Spyder
by ElephantTea
Summary: Fear. All Spy felt was pure, raw terror. This... thing... had invaded his home, his most sacred and secure place. As he looked it in the eye, it seemed to look back...
1. Chapter 1

Spy was tired. It had been a long day of sapping sentries and backstabbing the members of the RED team. Occasionally he'd had to shoot a few of them, but usually he was sneaky enough to get right up close and use his knife. There was no doubt about it; even the Heavy said he was a 'Credit to team.' He had definitely earned an evening of peace and solitude.

As soon as he was alone behind the locked door of his room he shrugged off his suit jacket and hung it on the closet. Luckily, his kills had been clean today and no one had gotten blood on his suit. He rolled up his shirtsleeves and sat down in his favorite armchair by the window to read for a while before dinner. He was tempted to take off his mask in an effort to get more comfortable, but discarded the idea after realizing he would just have to put it back on before he went downstairs for dinner.

He chose _Lady Chatterley's Lover _from his stack of books on the table next to him. He had to move _Charlotte's Web _and _Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy _to get to it; he hadn't picked that one up for a while. In fact it had been awhile since he had acquired any new reading material, so he had read everything in the stack at least thrice. But he also knew where the best parts were in all the books.

He hadn't been reading for long, when a bit of movement caught his eye and brought him away from his story. That was strange, he had locked the door, and so no one should be in his room. Why did he spot motion across the rug in front of him? When he looked up from the page, he saw in front of him the cause of his distraction: a huge, black, hairy, spider.

The Spy looked at the offending arachnid in disgust and fear, noting how the hideous thing seemed to stare back at him, before screaming at the top of his lungs. He drew his feet up onto the chair with him, so the vicious thing couldn't attack him, and yelled ever louder. It was only mere seconds before there was a rattling at his door; someone had heard him and was trying to get in. In another minute, three grown men came crashing through the Spy's bedroom door, brandishing their weapons as the Spy continued to scream and point at the spider on his rug.

Once they saw that the Spy was relatively unharmed, the Sniper stowed his kukri, the Medic rolled his eyes and did the same with his bonesaw, and the Heavy lowered his fists. In his panic at his bedroom being invaded, not only by the arachnid but also his coworkers, the Spy leapt from his chair and stumbled about until he had successfully put as much distance between himself and the spider as possible by climbing atop the Heavy's head.

"Herr Spy, vhat are you doing?" questioned the Medic, "Und vhy are you perched on Herr Heavy's head like zhat?"

The Spy struggled to maintain his composure, "Spi-spi-spi-SPIDER!" he shouted as he pointed to the thing on his rug that still hadn't moved even through the entire ruckus. Spy could have sworn the thing was mocking him with its eight beady eyes.

"Sheesh, Spook," Sniper snorted, "If it's botherin' ya that bad Oi'll just squash it with moi boot for ya."

"Bushman, if you get dirt on my rug I will come down there and gut you like a Cornish game hen," the Spy retorted, suddenly much more concerned about his carpet than the spider currently occupying it, "But if you must, I suppose I can vacuum it later."

Medic was about fed up with the Spy's overly dramatic behavior. It took all his self control to keep from bring his saw back out and beating the Spy about the head with it. Of course, the Sniper's mocking wasn't helping the situation either, "Sniper, just squish zhe zhing so ve can get out of here und leave Princess Spy to his books…"

THUD.

"There," the Sniper voiced triumphantly, "got the little wanka."

"…Did you get it?" asked the Spy from his perch on the Heavy.

"Oi dunno," replied the Sniper, taking off his boot and holding it up to show the Spy, "Did I get 'im?"

"Get zhat filzhy zhing away from me!" the Spy shouted, falling from his spot on the Heavy and onto the floor. The Sniper, of course, couldn't let such a fortunate opportunity go to waste, and began to chase the Spy around the room with his boot. Eventually, the Spy made a beeline for the door, and the Sniper chased him out into the halls and through the base.

The Medic covered his face in embarrassment and sighed heavily. This was unacceptable.

"I live und vork vith eight of zhe biggest children on zhe planet… und I am zhe only adult around for miles. Lucky me."


	2. Chapter 2

The Medic wasn't particularly pleased with the Spy's presence in his room, but the little drama queen was having issues, and where else does one turn to when they have issues but the Medic? After the events of last week with the spider, and Spy's consequent whining, Medic had half the decision made to just send the Spy to see Demoman to tell HIM about his problems. In all honesty, Medic couldn't give less of a flying fig about Spy's feelings; but he had an obligation to keep his team healthy, and that meant both mentally and physically. Now, said Spy was curled up on Medic's bed, back up against the wall, and legs drawn up to his chest.

"You know you really ought to get more seating options in 'ere," the Spy had said when he first entered, noticing the only places to sit were Medic's bed and leather office chair next to his desk.

"I like it zhis vay," the Medic replied haughtily, "It keeps people from staying longer zhan ten minutes."

At this, the Spy huffed and made himself comfortable on the bed, sitting cross-legged near the edge. The Spy hadn't made a sound for a few minutes, and Medic was quickly losing patience, so he began to work on a few research papers he had strewn about his desk. After a while though, even the research papers weren't enough to distract him from the Spy's staring.

"Speak, Dorian," he said forcefully, using the Spy's first name and causing him to squeak as he slammed his pen down on the desk, "If you are here just to look pretty, you can do so somevhere else, but if you genuinely vant my help you must say so. I cannot read your mind."

"I…I can't sleep, Docteur," he began, trying to find his voice in his embarrassment, "I 'aven't truly slept for days. I can't concentrate on zhe battles during zhe day, and I can't sleep at night. I have seriously not slept for a week. I am miserable, Medic. What am I to do?"

The Medic found himself struggling to have much sympathy for the Spy. True, the ordeal last week did have him pretty shaken up, but he just couldn't see what the Spy was so afraid of. Spiders. Of course they were a tad creepy, but why they had scared the Spy so badly, the Medic was at a loss.

"Vell…" the Medic thought, considering all the options before him, "I suppose I can treat zhe insomnia, but if it is as bad as you say it is, zhen a mild sleep aid von't be able to help you. Anyzhing else I give you vould likely cloud your mind during battle. I don't zhink you'd like zhat very much."

"Non," the Spy replied, "I prefer to function with a clear 'ead. I want a good night's sleep, _Docteur_, not to fall into a coma."

"Tell me, Herr Spy," the Medic began, "Vhy is it zhat you are so afraid of spiders?"

Dorain seemed to ponder the question for a moment. He sighed deeply before answering, "When I was little, only about six or seven, my older brozher did somezhing horrible to me."

Medic raised an eyebrow at this, intrigued as to what the Spy was getting at.

"Zhere was a spider's nest in our garden," Dorian began as he sat back on the bed against the wall, drawing his knees up in front of him, "I stayed away from it, and my brozher saw zhat I avoided it. Just before zhe eggs inside were ready to hatch, he removed zhe nest and put it…he put it…"

"Spit it out, Dorian," the Medic prompted, quickly losing patience.

"…in my bed."

Now, the Medic had to fight a very strong urge to laugh. That was the kind of prank that deserved to hold a lasting effect, even though it had scarred the poor Spy for life.

"It was 'orrible!" the Spy continued, "As soon as I slipped into bed to sleep for zhe night, zhe nest broke open and my bed was filled with tiny, black, creeping, terrifying SPIDERS!"

That was when both men noticed something on the floor. It was small, black, and creeping across the carpet in a jerking motion. Although both saw the black creature on the carpet, only the Medic noticed the thin strand of fishing line attached to it that led under his door. The Spy froze in place, letting out a shriek at a volume to rival the Scout's when it moved again.

"Kill it! Kill it!" the Spy screamed, "MEDIC, DO SOMETHING!"

With a low chuckle, the Medic crossed the room and flung is door open to reveal the Sniper and Scout. Both were red-faced with amusement and on the verge of tears from holding in their laughter for so long. The Sniper had, in his hand, the other end of the fishing line.

It took a moment for the Spy to realize what was truly going on, but when the realization finally struck, he was furious.

"_YOU,_" the Spy growled when he saw the Sniper, "You are going to PAY for ZHIS!"

The Spy rushed past Medic, whipping his balisong out of his pocket. The Sniper and Scout both up and ran, leaving the fishing line behind. They wouldn't get very far, Medic hypothesized; they were both laughing too hard to run very far without collapsing.

"What the hell man?!" Scout shouted as he ran, "Can't you take a joke?"

"_Non,"_ the Spy replied as he was catching up to them, "It appears zhat I cannot!"

Medic was grateful to finally be alone in his room again, even though he knew he'd have to patch the Sniper and Scout up once Spy was through with them. He rolled up the fishing line that had been strewn across his room during the Sniper and Scout's escape. He had to admit, this was also a pretty good prank. He would never stoop as low himself, but for the guilty party involved, he couldn't help but be impressed.

The peaceful silence of his room was soon shattered by screams heard all the way from the other side of the base. The Spy must have caught up to them.

"Oh vell," he sighed to himself as he tossed away the fishing line, "Back to vork I suppose."


	3. Chapter 3

Sniper was in a foul mood. His earlier prank on the Spy had backfired on him, and ended quite poorly. He was only trying to have a little fun with the Spy's fear of spiders, but he had overestimated the Spy's appreciation of his humor. Now, he sat on the couch in the Rec Room, clutching his shoulder and trying to keep it from bleeding while the Scout next to him held a bag of ice to his head.

"Sheesh," the Scout said, breaking the silence, "I didn't think he'd be THAT mad…"

"Sorry, Kid," the Sniper replied, "Oi'm the one who got us inta this mess."

"Eh, it ain't your fault. Spy's got a stick up 'is rear, and it ain't our problem. Sorta. The least 'e coulda done is at least send us through Respawn. Whe'd 'e hafta leave us like this?"

"Ain't that bad, quit complainin'," the Sniper countered, "Just keep an oi open for Medic. Last thing Oi want is ta be stitched back together boi that loon."

"DUDE! He almost cut your arm off!" the Scout shouted, referring to the Spy and the current state of his companion's shoulder, "Pro'bly gave me a concussion…"

All in all, both agreed that Sniper had taken the brunt of Spy's anger. With a nearly severed arm, two black eyes, a broken and bleeding nose, and several other scrapes and bruises, he was in poor shape with his blue uniform dotted with red patches. Scout had got away with firm whack to the head and a few cuts and bruises. Both should have gone to see Medic immediately, but neither of them wanted to be in the same room with the man.

"You two look like hell."

Both looked up to see the Engineer standing in front of them, hands on his hips and an amused look on his face.

"Yeah, well, yer not exactly an angel yerself, hardhat," snapped the Scout.

"Behave yourself, Scout," the Engineer replied, "I'm guessin' the two of you did somethin' to set off Spy?"

"What makes ya say that, Trukie?" Sniper asked as he adjusted his arm so it didn't bleed on the couch.

"Well, he's mopin' around in the Kitchen, eatin' anything he can get 'is hands on that's made o' chocolate."

A look of panic crossed the Sniper's face before he shouted, "MOI OICE CREAM!" and dashed off toward the Kitchen. There, he found the Spy eating the last of the Sniper's chocolate ice cream right out of the carton. The Scout and Engineer soon joined him, staring as the Spy licked his spoon clean. The look on Spy's face was along the lines of "the cat that ate the canary". Such satisfaction.

"You… You monster!" shouted the Sniper as he lunged for the Spy. But the Spy was quicker in his uninjured state, and easily dodged the Sniper who instead crashed to the floor.

"Now, now," the Spy crooned down at the Sniper, with a grin to rival that of the Cheshire Cat, "Behave yourself, Bushman. You seem to be bleeding quite a lot zhere, hmm? Perhaps I should call zhe Medic for you?"

"NO!" shouted both the Scout and Sniper at the same time. This got a chuckle out of the Engineer, who had walked over to help the Sniper off the floor. Spy tossed the empty carton in the wastebasket and left the dirty spoon in the sink as he exited the kitchen.

"Yo! Couldya at least wash yer spoon, French Fry?" shouted the Scout, but he received no reaction.

"Oi can't believe that wanka ate the last a moi oice cream…"

"S'all right, Sniper, I'll get ya some more when I go into town next."

"Thanks, Truckie."

It wasn't long before the Spy returned to the Kitchen. It seemed as if his grin had only grown since his departure. He stood in the doorway, blocking their view of the rest of the base and trapping them in the Kitchen.

"Whaddaya want, Spoi?" barked the Sniper as he leaned heavily against the counter near the sink.

"I zhought you might like to know zhat I took zhe liberty of ensuring you live to fight anozher day," the Spy said, as both the Sniper and Scout's eyes grew wide. Their faces both paled, and the Spy's face just lit up in joy.

"Get out of my vay, Herr Spy."

No one had seen the Medic behind the Spy, but now that he had pushed the Spy aside revealing the perturbed look on his face, the Sniper and Scout instantly clung to the Engineer.

"No, no, no, no! Don't let 'im touch me, Engie!" shouted the Scout as the Sniper just stared ahead in fear.

"Oh don't be such a child," chided the Medic as he attempted to remove the two from the Engineer, "I promise I'll be gentle!"

When the Medic realized that neither of his BLU coworkers would be coming quietly, he retreated to the kitchen doorway, where he shouted something to someone else who was apparently waiting outside. The appearance of the Heavy in the doorway meant that both the Sniper and Scout were in a lot of trouble. In seconds, the two troublemakers were slung over Heavy's shoulders.

"I blame you for this!" hissed the Scout as both of them were carried unceremoniously through the halls to the Infirmary.

"Oh hush now," the Medic barked at the irritating Scout, "Both of you are acting like children."

"Why do I hafta come?!" shouted Scout, "What'd I do? Snipes here is the one who's been terrorizin' Spy! Not me!"

"Zhat doesn't matter to me," Medic said with a shrug, "Both of you are hurt, so both of you are coming vith me."

"No, no, look Doc! Oi'm foine," said Sniper as he tried to wiggle out of Heavy's grasp, "Never better! There's no need…"

"Nein, Herr Sniper," sighed the Medic as he locked the Infirmary doors behind him, "You are going to be here for a vhile."


End file.
